Not everybody wants to know about your grandma’s cookie recipe, and that’s okay. But if it’s your favorite and brings you so much joy you just have to talk about it, the right people will be all over that and excited to learn more about you. Or maybe your girly best friend just can’t get into Star Wars. Or maybe you’re telling the grocery store clerk your life story instead of saving it for the therapist. There are about a million types of talkers out there, that is, exploratory, direct, indirect, repeaters, bare minimums, over sharers, and so forth. At times, the type of talker someone is may change based on the situation too.
Understand Why You’re Not Being Heard
When we actively listen, we are demonstrating respect, empathy, and a willingness to understand another person’s perspective. This not only makes an impact in one-on-one conversations, but can also improve program and process design. I call this concept “empathy operationalized.” Although I view this issue through a healthcare lens, the reflections are universal. Ultimately, soliciting and applying someone’s feedback is fundamental to making that person feel seen and valued. You want to make your team feel welcome at the table, but even more so, you want them to feel comfortable speaking up. Make it clear that you want to hear from your employees.
When offering feedback or criticism, it is essential to always start by highlighting the positive aspects of what was shared. By acknowledging the strengths and value of their contribution, you create a more receptive atmosphere. Even better, when you build upon the idea you demonstrate how much you value it.
And that night of the 24 students in the seminar, probably 18 sent me an email saying. Professor Brooks, I just want you to know I’m thinking of you, uh, I’m praying for you. And that whole, that little interchange, just that little hint of vulnerability, transformed the atmosphere in that class the whole term. Because suddenly I wasn’t just Professor Brooks, I was just another schmo, trying to get through life, and so suddenly they could relate. Think Fast, Talk Smart is a podcast produced by Stanford Graduate School of Business. Each episode provides concrete, easy-to-implement tools and techniques to help you hone and enhance your communication skills.
Before we get into some of the specific guidance and advice that you provide, I’m curious if you wouldn’t mind sharing some of the barriers to connection. We found that participants who received a couple minutes of instruction in conversational receptiveness were seen as more trustworthy and more reasonable by their counterparts. Their counterparts were also more willing to talk to them about other topics. In a recent set of studies, my colleagues and I recruited people who were supportive of or hesitant about getting COVID-19 vaccinations. We paired vaccine-supportive participants with the vaccine hesitant and instructed them to persuade their partner to get the shot. Before the interaction, we randomly assigned the vaccine supporters to receive brief instructions in conversational receptiveness or guidance simply to use the best arguments they could think of.
- People accept feeling words more easily when they arrive without drama.
- Two responses most of us unfortunately overuse when listening, should be reserved for counseling (when we’ve been asked for advice).
- While this isn’t necessarily bad, most of us want people to listen to us when the tables turn.
- For you to look in the mirror and see, hear, know, love, and care for yourself first.
Being loved is all about taking the risk of sharing yourself without the fear—or despite the fear—of being rejected. When you feel loved, it’s ultimately about feeling safe and being respected and supported. This may look different for each person, and feeling safe doesn’t necessarily mean physically. This fear forces us to bury those desires deep down because they feel intangible. Instead, we downplay ourselves and place value in other avenues, and other people, but rarely ourselves.
Part of discernment is being able to decide which thoughts and feelings are your own inner wisdom versus which ones are just noise from the outside world, even if internalized. That’s totally okay if they can’t support you on this particular topic. You may need to talk to someone else about it if you really want to talk about it and just reserve non-triggering topics for your triggered friend. For example, while you don’t want to cause harm by speaking up and may inadvertently cause harm, not speaking up may cause more harm in some scenarios, such as in anti-racism work.
There’s nothing crueler than making somebody else feel invisible, feeling that you just don’t get them. That’s an all-too-familiar experience for parents of teenagers who seem to have advanced degrees in ignoring unwelcome advice. Health care providers often face a similar challenge when they try to persuade patients to change behaviors they do not wish to change. In the workplace, this burden is most acutely felt by people lower in the hierarchy trying to have their views heard by higher-ups who just don’t have to listen. For many years, psychologists have touted the benefits of making parties in conflict feel heard. Making someone you’re arguing with feel that you’re listening can calm the troubled waters, allowing both parties to get safely to the opposite shore.
While these questions are easy, they don’t invite further exploration. Instead, lean into open-ended questions that encourage the speaker to elaborate. Questions like “How did that situation make you feel?” or “What did you learn from that experience?” invite deeper dialogue and give the other person space to share their story. Responding well is big part of the listening process. Respond in a way that signals to the other person that you understand what they’re saying. Periodically affirm your understanding by repeating the information back to the other person.
Human beings have a fundamental need to feel heard and validated. When people sense you are truly listening to them, without judgement, they relax and open up. This builds trust and psychological safety on your team. When someone is coming to you to connect on a topic, active listening can bolster that connection and improve understanding, decrease miscommunication, and build stronger relationships. Creativity and fun results can come from the communing that occurs with active listening. If what you were saying involves advice or an idea about how to do a certain thing, if that person is listening, you might subsequently see actions put into place based on what you said.
And in that space, they can process their emotions, find clarity, and make choices that align with their true selves. Other times, we might invalidate someone’s feelings without even realizing it. Phrases like “It’s not that bad” or “You’re overreacting” can shut down the conversation and make the other person feel like their emotions don’t matter. It can also make them feel worse about their natural reactions and create more distress, or cause them to shut down emotionally.
It shows the person speaking that you are fully engaged and interested in what they are saying. Additionally, maintaining eye contact can help you better understand their nonverbal cues and emotions. Even in human-centered fields like medicine, social services, and development work, we often think that skills like reflective listening and empathy are soft, fluffy, and optional.
There was a study done by McKinsey where they asked CEOs, why do people leave your firm? And the CEO’s number one answer was people leave our firm to make more money somewhere else. And then they asked the people who actually left, and their number one answer was, my manager didn’t recognize me.
Five Ways To Have Better Conversations Across Difference
By asking open-ended questions, you can encourage your coworker to share more about their feelings and concerns. This can help you better understand their perspective and work together to find a solution. Open-ended questions, such as “can you tell me more about that?” or “how did that make you feel?” can encourage the person speaking to share more about their thoughts and emotions.
The third way to make people feel heard is to challenge assumptions, not ideas. There may well be ideas shared in team meetings you want to push back on or challenge. But it’s important to maintain that feeling that you’re hearing and considering those ideas. So instead of criticizing the person or the idea directly, a more constructive approach is to question the assumptions behind their ideas. This allows for a deeper understanding of their thought process and encourages open-mindedness. Avoiding personal criticism is essential in maintaining a respectful and inclusive environment.
Model Active Listening
Do you have people in your life who you feel comfortable talking to in an open and honest way? If you don’t, it’s important to reach out to someone, including a therapist, counselor, or life coach (such as myself). Studies like this have very real world implications on how we should approach our relationships. If we tend to be the more dominant voice, then it’s a good idea to step back and give the other person a chance to Fanforus say what’s on their mind. Listening to what others say, without interrupting or being disrespectful, is going to help both of you to find ways to make your relationship more positive and rewarding. There has been a lot of research showing the positive benefits of perspective-taking in our relationships.
